Back In Your Head – Tegan and Sara – 2007

Back In Your Head MP3

My ex-wife moved back to Boston and stayed with me and my friend in his house in the Fens.  I was 26.  We both had crappy single mattresses across the floor from each other.  We had broken up ostensibly because she was a lesbian.  Before she came back to Boston, I had not seen her in about 4 years.  We got married really just to emancipate ourselves from our parents so we could get financial aid for college.  The pull across the room was obvious.  Our orbits were so close.  The previous four years so rootless for both of us.  So much in contrast to the 3 years we spent together.

“Build a wall of books between us in our bed.”

There was so much that was familiar.  But the gulf was enormous.  We had our moments where we could see what it was that brought us together, but there were also moments where we saw what it was that tore us apart.  Really I guess there was nothing wrong with either of us in the malicious sense.  We were just young and finding ourselves.  But after four years of wandering around for both of us, the pull was there to settle back in.

“Relax into the need.  We get so comfortable.”

But the pull wasn’t that strong.  It was just there and we went our separate ways.

“I just want back in your head.”

I bought tickets to a Pink Floyd reunion concert in 1987 while I was dating this girl.  I think we had actually camped out for the tickets or something.  We went to the Cure together a few months previous to this.  I think we were trying to recreate the magic of that night.

“Remember when I was so strange and likeable.”

I really liked her a lot, but we broke up before that concert.  We had friends that were going to the show as well.  So we just all hooked up and went to the show together.  I hadn’t seen her in months.  I was a depressive mess.  I remember trying to reach her emotionally that night.  For a time while we were dating, we communicated without speaking.  There was no distance between us.  We shared everything.  This state probably didn’t last that long, but I missed it terribly.

“I know these habits hurt important parts of you.”

I wanted her to look at me.  I had to see something in her eyes but it never happened.  My heart was really broken over the whole thing.

“I just want back in your head.”

I was living in Houston and trying to get my shit together when a girl I had been broken up with for about 6 months flew in to see me.  Something traumatic had happened in her new and perfect relationship.  ‘Something traumatic’ is an extreme understatement.  A married man had posed as a naval officer and developed a relationship with her.  He explained his long absences as part of his job.  Talked to her on the phone several times a week.  When her father told her about his wife calling, she just took a cab to the airport and bought a plane ticket.  She called me from the airport to tell me she was on her way.

“Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable.”

I imagine that the whole deception was a hair raising experience.  Her immediate reaction was to get near me.  I always represented some kind of safety.  But we did a lot.  Looking back, I think she was trying to create a wall of memories between her ‘now’ and the relationship with this guy.  We did more in that month than we had for the years we had been together.

“Nothing like this person unloveable.”

It was sort of disconcerting because this was everything that we never were.  It was the relationship we always thought was just around the corner.  But it was this strange rebound relationship.  There was too much water under the bridge.  We connected like never before, but once again the timing was wrong.

“I just want back in your head.”

I love the 80’s pop feel to a lot of Tegan and Sara’s songs.  This one especially reminds me of the Buggles or Kim Wilde.  There’s something about where their voices are coming from that says 80’s new wave.  Deep back in their throats and the inflection.  The disjointed feel to the rhythm and melodies.  The types of repetition.  It definitely isn’t an 80’s production.  It’s like a digital version.  That being said it’s definitely not all about the 80’s and I might be the only one hearing this.  But it’s all good pop music with good hooks and emotion.  And it’s certainly a difficult subject.

“I’m not unfaithful but I’ll stray.”

This song reminds me of Annie Hall.  They go through all this stuff in their relationship.  Their witty banter slowly crawls inside of you.  Their problems are real and maddening.  You think you don’t care that much about what they are going through.  When the break up comes, you think, “Oh that wasn’t so bad.”

Then they meet up later and you realize that the whole movie was written from this perspective.  The relationship is over.  He is looking back over their relationship with a nostalgic affection.  Where did it all go?  The connection.  The tolerance.  The silent breakfast in familiar company.  Being kicked in the middle of the night.  Blowing in the door from a long day.  The emotional lines in the sand that grew too unbearable and burdensome.  The actual love.  The familiarity.  It’s so hard to know someone in general, but it’s so amazing that you can be so close to someone and then… not.

“I just want back in your head.”

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2 responses to “Back In Your Head – Tegan and Sara – 2007”

  1. Nice Larry. I was just thinking of you today and found this site.. Funny, the post is dated with todays date.

    Excellent brother. I hope you are doing well.
    You Win! You are smart, can you make us Go?


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