Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain Howard Jones – No One is to Blame I started working on a classical guitar piece back in 1987 when I was seventeen years old. I started a couple of bands. It seemed like the only people I knew were musicians, artists, and sober […]

This blog has been fantastic. I have been posting here since 2008. I’ve owned the website since 1999. Originally, it was twistedpop.com. I developed a message board encouraging discussions about art, music, writing, and philosophy. At one point in 2001, I had over one thousand members and hundreds of posts a day. I had the […]

“You can do a lot in a lifetimeif you don’t burn out too fast” Rush, Marathon “Your CEA is a little high. Not too high, but in October and November it was hovering around 5 and 7, then in January it went to around 15 and stayed there, relatively stable, but this last one…” I […]

“And all the while the distance grows between you and me. I do not understand.” In the Blood of Eden, Peter Gabriel The universe is expanding at an ever increasing rate. As we are looking at the stars in the sky, they are growing more distant from us. The universe is not growing into some […]

I have been feeling dizzy off and on for the last month or so. It is probably related to my nose bleeding for such a long time plus some seasonal allergies, but it was worth reporting to my oncology team. (As a side note, everything is worth reporting to your oncology team once you have […]

I spent five months in drug rehab in 1987. I was seventeen years old. The youngest person in the adult unit, I was a little too mature for the adolescent unit. The idea of being locked up had never occurred to me as a thing that would actually happen. Looking back on it, I consider […]

One year ago in July, I was in New Jersey visiting family and friends, some of which I hadn’t seen in thirty years. In June of last year, I visited friends, a high school reunion of sorts, that I had also not seen in thirty years. For a long time, I had imagined these family […]

I’m so alone and I feel just like somebody elseMan I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same One Headlight, The Wallflowers One weekend in late October, my sister, Kelli, stayed with me during a chemotherapy weekend. The treatments were fairly routine by this time. As routine as a chemotherapy treatment can be […]

Your ship may be coming in.You’re weak, but not giving in.And you’ll fight it, you’ll go out fighting all of them. Rilo Kiley, A Better Son/Daughter At the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019, I was driving ride share – killing time and making some extra money while waiting for my friend/colleague Ramon […]

I have always preferred harder surfaces for sleeping, so I have a tatami bed. I would just sleep on the floor as it’s cheaper, but people have a pretty strong reaction to adults sleeping on the floor. Also, sleeping on the floor is not exactly conducive to a harmonious relationship if you happen to be […]

And your wise men don’t know how it feelsTo be thick as a brick Jethro Tull, Thick as a Brick I have always been restless. I could always feel something coming. Something outside the door. Something in the hallway. Something breathing life into another dark path only illuminated by the next step. I’ve always wanted […]

How exactly does one prepare for major surgery? What is major surgery? I think liver surgery counts. I think it can at least be counted as a big deal. It’s a big deal to me. It’s tomorrow. I’m nervous.

Chloe: Well, I’m still here, but I don’t know for how long. That’s as much certainty as anyone can give me. But I’ve got some good news: I no longer have any fear of death. But I am in a pretty lonely place. No one will have sex with me. I’m so close to the […]

A detail (among many) that has been lost in the telling of this story is my voice. When I had surgery in August, one of the many symptoms I had afterward was an irritated vocal cord. I only noticed the irritation when I raised my voice and while singing. I did little of either of […]

Ineffability is the concept that some things cannot or should not be expressed in words. Those things can be as high minded as God, the soul, or a mystical experience. It can be as simple as vulgar language. I am certain that the essence of my experience after the surgery is ineffable of the “can’t […]

I have a paradoxical reaction to opioids. From wikipedia: A paradoxical reaction or paradoxical effect is an effect of a chemical substance, mostly a medical drug, opposite to the effect which would normally be expected. An example of a paradoxical reaction is pain caused by a pain relief medication. Opioids don’t cause me pain as described in the example. They […]

I talk to myself a lot. I say some terrible things. In front of my kids. I don’t often hear the things that I am saying, but sometimes they let me know. Apparently my most often used line is, “Kill them.”